Is it Asking Too God-Damned Much? A Simple Rant.

August 7, 2006

The following is a rant at the world, some of it concerns the difficulties of an American who has moved to the UK and is trying to get used to the culture shock (me, obviously) and some of it is just general yelling at the world. I am not racist, basis, or anything else but annoyed, take the statements at face value not what you read into them.

Please note: This small disclaimer is necessary to deflect the never ending hate mail and comments after someone tells the truth about something and hits a nerve on someone, somewhere. Everyone is entitled to blow off a little steam…

Is it asking too damned much for people to put their cars in their garages?

Yes or No? Why the hell can’t you come home from work or wherever and put your car in the garage and not in front of MY HOUSE? Or behind my fucking driveway? Is there a particular thing in your brain (or maybe isn’t) that makes you oblivious to the fact that when I back out of the driveway I need to be able to get out without SCRAPING your car or van or whatever you have brought home or is visiting you today?

If your garage is too full of junk to put your car in it is not my problem. What the fuck right? But wrong! You could use your driveway (to store your car or van or whatever whoever is visiting you has come in) that sits empty while your car is on the street making it impossible for me or my mother to back out the car without erratic maneuvers.

Speeding

Is there something wrong with actually driving through a neighborhood at a reasonable speed? There must be something because I live on a cul-de-sac and every goddamned day someone on this street, or maybe more than a few someones drive at break neck speed up to their house. This street is only about 100 feet from the main road to the part where it makes a 90 degree angle up the hill for another 120 feet. It is certainly not wide or quiet enough to drive at the speed these people do. When it really gets bad, they are driving too fast, with music blaring at 2AM. That is when I seriously consider opening the window and yelling “Shut the fuck up! Some of us want to get some sleep!!”

And what the hell is the deal with pedestrians? (Or lack of consideration for)

They are walking you inconsiderate bastards. Don’t drive over them, they might die! What I am getting at is: People in this country (I have never seen this phenomenon in America) seem to drive far too fast while in close proximity to people who are on foot. What is the problem with slowing down? If you drive more slowly you will increase the time you have to think about every maneuver instead of tearing around like you own the place and anyone who is walking better get the fuck out of the way, or you kill them with you underpowered – yet somehow sporty looking (to you) MG/Rover ZR. But I am not going to let the pedestrians off the hook either because they stand too close to the edge of the sidewalk (footpath to you Brits) while a massive double-decker Bus goes by just inches from their body.

And I am not finished… So don’t even think of clicking off to another blog – Unless you are going to effect sort of change in the status of your garage….

Just a few complaints for the cancer stick ingesting twerps among us:

Realise a few things: You’re stupid. Not saying you are totally stupid, you are stupid for smoking. Why don’t you realise that chronic inhalation of 4000 carcinogens a day from your 20 sticks of government encouraged, self mutilating, suicide aids are killing you? Or can’t you read the note on the package? Something like: Smoking is damaging to your health and the people around you. Another such warning: Don’t Smoke Pregnant. Oh and one more for the road: Smoking makes you stink… If you smoke you STINK? Do you get that?

And a label of my own creation: Smoking is disgusting, dirty and deadly. When you smoke you take 8 minutes off your life with every puff.

Oh and STOP BLOWING THE SMOKE IN MY FACE!

Alright I am getting calmer.. only a few more little points and I will be fine…

I had a wonderful meeting today with the Assistant Director of a local playhouse and he had a lot of great things to say and insight on the subject of theatre. There was one thing he did tell me that really upset me:

“If you were black, I could give you a job.”

I must have looked somewhat perplexed as he quickly added that they are starved for young or old black directors and if I were black my chances of being accepted would be greatly increased from nearly impossible to quite possible. That sucks.

I don’t agree with affirmative action, never have. Now it’s effecting me and I have decided to change disagreement to hate.

I will leave you with a few little tips both for English and the Americans and everyone else…

  1. All Americans are not fat! This is a myth or what I would just call ignorance.
  2. Don’t tell me what it is like in American, English folks, I lived there for 17 years, you have been to Florida for a weeks vacation, FLORIDA! I have been to over 35 states and have lived in 5. Stop telling me about local law and other little things you have no idea about. You just look dumb.
  3. It is not piss easy to get a driver’s license in America as much as you might think Americans can just get one with a nod and a wink, they seem to drive more safely and courteously than the English. They actually have to renew their licenses on a regular basis – imagine that?
  4. The car does not run on bubbles, in contrary to popular belief, it actually costs money to drive 32 miles not just time.
  5. I disagree with the fact I not permitted wear a baseball cap in the shopping centre but people of certain religions are permitted to wear facial coverings save only their eyes. Who is more concealed here?

As the great Michael Piller once said: I welcome all comments, as long as they are good.

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